My child is bullying someone else

For most parents and carers, learning that their child has been accused of bullying someone else can be highly emotive, deeply upsetting and difficult to accept. These natural emotions are completely valid in this situation and can help form part of the conversation with your child in response to understanding what’s been happening. Although you may be angry and upset, it’s important to remain calm, take the time to discuss the issue and LISTEN to your child’s explanation.

Children and young people can become involved in bullying behaviour for a number of highly complex reasons.

All behaviour communicates feelings, so it’s important that you explore the reasons behind their behaviour, which might be that:

• They don’t recognise their behaviour as ‘bullying’
• They are unaware of the impact their behaviour is having on other people
• They are displaying prejudiced attitudes or behaviours towards certain groups of people or individuals
• They feel challenged or scared and are trying to regain control over a person or situation
• They do not feel they will be identified or found out if they are posting online
• They are being encouraged to join in as part of a group and they’re going along with it to save face or ‘fit in’
• They have experienced bullying themselves and are fearful of becoming a target again
• They are in a culture where bullying behaviour is seen as acceptable
• They have ‘learned’ bullying behaviour or prejudiced attitudes from a role model or peer

When you’ve established the reasons lying behind the bullying, you can their behaviour and the impact that it has had. Children who are bullying others need help to reflect on their behaviour, untangle what is causing them to be hurtful to others, and try to repair relationships where this is desired and possible. They need help to understand that what they’ve done is wrong.

Sometimes they will know what the impact of their behaviour is, and that’s why they’re doing it, but sometimes they will need help to understand what effect their behaviour is having on someone else. This is not about shaming - this is about cultivating empathy and encouraging changes in their behaviour to get the bullying to stop.

Ask them to consider the impact that their actions are having on the other person or people involved. How might they feel if they were being bullied? What if they were the one who was left feeling anxious, isolated and filled with fear when they left the house? Imagine if they dreaded logging on to their computer or looking at their phone because they were scared of what messages there might be?

The behaviour behind the bullying might stem from racism, homophobia or ignorance about a different culture or religion. Addressing this can be difficult, challenging and emotive, but prejudiced attitudes must be explored and challenged through education and empathy.

Discuss and agree how you can support your child to stop the bullying behaviour. All behaviour carries consequences and your child has to realise that they are accountable for their actions.

At school, this might mean finding a way forward that gives them the chance to make amends or repair relationships with the other person – be very clear that their behaviour is unacceptable and set out for them instead how you expect them to behave.

If you know and have a fair relationship with the other parents involved, you might also want to make sure they’re aware of what’s been happening, and to ensure that their child gets any support that they need. If the adults around the child concerned are unknown to you, or it is unsafe or unwise to approach them directly, it might be helpful to get support for both families from a third party, such as a teacher.