My child feels bullied
If your child has shared with you, or another trusted adult, that they are feeling bullied, the response they receive is vitally important.
Although this can be difficult news to hear, it also gives you the opportunity to intervene and support them well towards bringing about change.
There are a number of potential signs to look out for if you are concerned your child is being bullied. A child or young person may:
- Become withdrawn
- Have unexplained scratches and bruises
- They don’t want to go to school, or attend a youth club
- Change their route to school
- Don’t want to go out or play with their friends
- Change their use of online and/or mobile technology
- Complain of headaches, stomach aches and other pains
- Become easily upset, tearful, ill-tempered or display other out-of-character behaviour
Not all of these signs necessarily indicate that your child is being bullied, other factors could be present too. As a parent or carer, you are in the best position to recognise an unexplained change in behaviour that needs to be explored.
What should you do?
If you hear that your child is being bullied, it can evoke an understandably emotional response. Take time to consider your next steps. Children and young people can be reluctant to worry a parent or carer, and may not want to risk an over-reaction, however, it is important they know they have someone to talk to.
Children and young people can feel powerless in bullying situations, so it’s important that they are given the opportunity to allow their voice to be heard when it comes to any response to a bullying situation. This allows you to find out what they want to happen, what they are worried about happening, and how best you can support them, at their pace, towards a good outcome.
Things to remember
Don’t panic
Remaining calm supports good listening and is reassuring for your child.
Give them your full attention - this shows a child or young person that you are taking them seriously.
Clearly explain the reasons for your concern and talk sensitively about what you have noticed. This will allow your child to see more clearly how the bullying is impacting on them and their daily lives.
What do they want you to do?
Exploring this will make your child feel valued and will help you to understand what support they need. Keep listening! Effective listening helps us understand how young people are being affected and what we can do to help. By listening carefully to what children and young people are saying and how they are saying it, you can learn a lot by paying attention to body language and facial expressions.
If they are reluctant to talk straight away, remind them that you are always available to listen and they can talk to you at any time. Don’t judge, shame or belittle - children and young people are still learning about how to navigate friendships and relationships and will sometimes have poor judgement and make mistakes as they grow up. Adults can be good role-models for demonstrating what healthy, respectful relationships look like.
If a child or young person has shared information about their gender identity or their sexual orientation they may have chosen to tell you because they trust you and value your relationship. Respect this disclosure, and their privacy.
Explore options together
Children and young people have told us that being advised to ‘hit them back/hit them first’ is a common response. This is not necessarily the safest option and does not take into account those who are unable to do so - the advice is often based on a parent or carers own, historical experience of bullying, often in less sophisticated times. Teaching children and young people to respond to relationship conflict with violence is unhelpful and potentially dangerous.
Help your child to think about some realistic options if they are experiencing bullying. Some may be able to react to bullying behaviour by using a clever comeback, some may prefer to write things down to process their feelings, others will feel better simply for having told someone.
Ask your child what they want to happen, what, if anything, they have tried so far, and what the consequences of potential solutions might be. For example, ‘What would happen if I spoke to the school?’ or ‘What do you think would happen if I spoke to someone’s parent?’
Exploring different options may help you to agree on the best solution, or next steps. If your discussions do not come up with a satisfactory solution, explain to your child why you are worried, why you want to take a specific action, and how they can work with you during it.
It can be tempting to take over the situation and natural to want to ‘fix it’, but you should always pause to think ‘How can I help give my child back their sense of being in control?’
A child may feel bullied or excluded even if they haven’t been
For example, they may not have been invited to a party because the numbers were limited. You can still respond to how they feel, even if the situation does not need ‘a solution’.
A child may experience bullying behaviour but not feel bullied themselves
For example, someone shouts a homophobic slur but the recipient is not bothered and, although unacceptable, the behaviour has little impact on the person it was aimed at.
